Our world is awash in anger which harms individuals, families, communities, and nations. Anger is meant to be a gift –the can’t-ignore-it-emotion which signals a gap between what is and what should be. The problem is that Anger wants to rule you. This book explores in detail many wrong ideas about anger and describes recommended practices to create space to respond well, discern how to respond, and act with self-control.
Perhaps the most unique aspect of this book are the three dialogs. These are slightly fictionalized versions of real conversations I’ve had with people battling anger.
Christopher is a young man in his mid-20’s, struggling to control his temper and angry outbursts.
Peter is in his mid-50’s, chronically outraged over politics and religion/culture issues.
Sophie is a recently divorced single mom with a teenage daughter, both angry about their ex-husband/father betraying them.
This is a very personal book for me because I’ve battled anger all my life. Even if you haven’t struggled with anger, you know someone who does. There is a way to use Anger as the gift it’s meant to be.
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Slow to Anger is structured in three parts:
Using Anger as a Gift with the Alert-Discern-Act Model. These are the practical chapters.
The Dialogs. These are slightly fictionalized accounts of actual conversations I’d had with people who struggle with anger.
A Biblical Study of Anger
The Bible has a LOT to say about Anger. There is a rich vocabulary, too – 7 Hebrew words and 6 Greek words.
I learned long ago that the best way to study a topic is to first write down all the questions you have, then go to reliable resources and try to answer those questions. This is how I create a biblical framework for any theme or concept — study all the Bible says directly and indirectly about a topic with my questions in mind.
Here was my Anger question list:
● Is anger always wrong? (sinful)
● What is the difference between feeling anger and responding in anger?
● If God is pure and holy, what prompts His anger?
● Why was Jesus angry at the money-changers and some of the Pharisees, but not at Roman soldiers flogging him and crucifying him?
● Why is anger a common attribute of humans in all times and all cultures?
● Should we expect to move beyond all anger as God does His slow work of making us more like Jesus?
● What are good/righteous reasons to be angry, and what are not?
● Can the energy from anger be used righteously?
● What distinguishes anger from rage and hate?
● How do anger and fear fit together?
● How can we fulfill the command “be angry and do not sin”? (Ephesians 4:26)
● Is anger just an emotion to be managed, or does it have a purpose?
● Why is anger so powerful and controlling?
● What are the best ways to keep anger in check?
● Why has anger been so much with me all my life?
● Are some people more predisposed to be angry?
● Does anger have any role in a mature Christian’s life?
● Is anger ever the appropriate response to personal attacks?
● Is there ever a time when anger is useful in serving others?
● If we’re truly made in the image of God, and God sometimes gets angry, then is anger a part of our image as God-crafted humans, or is it a result of the Fall?
● Do anger and freedom have anything in common?
● How does anger affect friendship, trust, mission, focus, and fear?
● Does my anger need to be eliminated or sanctified?
● Did my kids inherit my anger? Did I inherit it through my parents?
● What would this world be like if anger didn’t exist?
● Is anger ever justified against enemies?
● How can I be free of the anger that wants to rule me?
● Is anger ever praiseworthy?
● Is it enough to be good at managing my anger most of the time?
Slow to Anger will give you some answers to these questions.
Here are questions I’ve asked people in the past few months which tend to make them uncomfortable:
“So what?”
“Do you ever change your mind when presented with new information?” (My friend Mike asks a nice variation on this: “Tell me about the last time you changed your mind about something important.”)
“How do you define ‘white’ and ‘black’ in a multinational company? What if I decide today to identify as a black woman?”
“Will this matter to you in 3 or 30 years?”
“If it doesn’t matter how much money the government prints, why bother to collect taxes?”
“When was the last time screaming at someone persuaded them to love you more?”
“Are the forces that drove cycles of ice ages and glacial retreats still at work today?”
“Why do stories about sea level rise in Boston never mention sea level falls in Oslo?” (The North American land mass is sinking; there are other areas in the world where the earth is uplifting.)
“What is the difference between loving humanity and loving unlovely individuals?”
“What are you willing to sacrifice in this situation? Your pride, perhaps?”
“Where the line between community safety (or integrity) and individual liberty?”
“What are we shocked at behaviors which are endemic in human history?”
“Why not make the minimum wage one million dollars per year?”
“Does this situation deserve unrestrained fear?”
“What would be risk-free in a universe where the Heisenberg Uncertainty Principle is true?”
“I’m intrigued with the idea of insisting leadership teams be representative and inclusive. Would that extend to a balance of liberals and conservatives, say, in college faculty? Whites and Asians in the NBA?”
“Do you care who gets the credit for this good thing?”
“What questions are we now not allowed to ask, and why not?”
I ask these questions not to be snarky or clever, but with a genuine intent of exploring ideas. The point of questions like these is to challenge overly simplistic assumptions. Questions are useful to sustain conversation.
Notice in many of these questions I’m hoping to help people explore a limiting principle. How do you know when you’ve gone too far? Where do you draw a line, and why? People with agency – the ability to make decisions – need intelligent and wise frameworks to decide on limiting principles. The Ten Commandments, for example, are a set of limiting principles.
I wrote this in response to some questions about my writing work… but the concepts apply well to all leadership work.
People have asked how I can be such a prolific writer and reader. The simplest answer is “It’s a choice followed by corresponding action.” The truth is that I have multiple writing projects sitting partially done, and struggle constantly to finish and publish my writing.
Here are things which help me:
Deadlines and commitments. I have committed to this newsletter weekly, three LeaderLearning messages weekly, two blog posts weekly, and at least 3 posts on LinkedIn daily. I’ve forced myself to create deadlines for publishing some of the Anger and 300 years book content via email on a schedule.
Assume that everything you encounter is fuel for pondering, cross-connecting, prayerful meditation, topics to write about and teach about. Capture thoughts and inspiration as quickly as possible because they have the same vapor pressure as gasoline on a sidewalk in July sun. There may be “nothing new under the sun,” but there are things which are new for you and the people in your sphere of influence!
Put myself in good company of smart and savvy observers and story-sharers – in person, via books, podcasts, films, etc. This is food and fuel for your creative process. Invest your limited time and attention where it will yield higher returns.
Always have a book handy. You’ve probably noticed how many people, given a few spare seconds, whip out their smartphone. Do that with books instead.
Extract quality from quantity. Don’t expect brilliance in a first draft of a sentence or book. As best you can, squelch the self-editor which wants to work as you write – then unleash the editor’s power in the next stage. No gem emerged from the ground cut and polished. As I write this sentence, I have a “for newsletter content” document which is 121 pages long and hopefully no one will ever see 3/4ths of it!
Walk! It’s amazing how much clarity and coalescing happens in your mind when you walk. Charles Dickens, incredibly prolific, walked the streets of London 2-4 hours daily.
I’ve been describing the reading and writing lifestyle. Consider how much of what I’ve described here is the same for creatives, organizational leaders, and thoughtful observers of life.
It’s helpful to know metrics like these to help you make decisions on projects, priorities, and trends:
Your “per hour” and “per month” salary and benefits cost to the organization
The salary and benefits cost for your working teams (and subteams if you have a larger group) per month
Profit margin of your key products / services
Your organization’s revenue in a quarter, or for a particular region
These become proxy values in making estimates. For example, I recall a VP who listened to a proposal for a big initiative, and thoughtfully asked aloud, “This investment is equal to all our sales in northern Illinois for two years. What’s the minimal payoff over 3-5 years?” Several times I had internal clients who wanted “just a few enhancements” to software they only used occasionally. “Would you pay $12,000 out of your budget for that?” I asked – because I could ballpark the salary estimate of the developer time. (They wouldn’t. End of request.) And you can think about the value of your time when considering how to prioritize your work. What’s going to be worth 3-10x your salary to your organization? Do that.
You should also practice valuing your contributions, especially the indirect but real contributions as a leader. Consider your long-term influence on the people, rituals, processes, and working culture (the default behaviors and practices) of your organization.
A useful question to ask:
“What would not have happened without your contribution?” Follow this with “How do I know?”
I should trademark “Babbling Brooke”™ because I routinely say too much about too many topics.
A key attribute of effective leadership is communication clarity. Howard Hendricks would tell his seminary students “A mist in the pulpit creates a fog in the pew.”
One of my mentors recommended condensing my verbosity to 3 statements I could fit on a 3×5 notecard. Why? Few people can remember more than 3 key ideas from a presentation. He said something like “If you want to impress them with your intelligence, talk and talk and talk. If you want to move them to act differently, say no more than 3 things, explained well, and leave them wanting more.” He cited the example of the orator Edward Everett speaking for 2 hours before Abraham Lincoln delivered his 272-word speech at Gettysburg.
Don’t be fooled by apparent simplicity: Achieving clarity is hard work that requires the best of you. Marcus Tullius Cicero once wrote “If I had more time, I would have written a shorter letter.” Mark Twain wrote “If you want me to give you a two-hour presentation, I am ready today. If you want only a five-minute speech, it will take me two weeks to prepare.”
Why Onboarding is an Extension of the Hiring Process
The Benefits of Effective Onboarding
Answering Common Objections
Elements of an Onboarding Plan for Thriving Success
Corporate Citizen Requirements
Working Effectively with You
Setting Expectations and Defining Success
Processes, Practices, and Rituals
Specific Projects and Initiatives
People and Networks
Getting Recognition for Progress and Successes
Final Recommendations
Why Onboarding is an Extension of the Hiring Process
Hiring the right people is clearly one of the biggest responsibilities of managers. The more senior your role, the more you think Who and the less you think How.
My observation is many hiring failures are more accurately onboarding failures. (Many, not all.) I’ve kept notes on the career success of everyone I hired. A few times I hired the wrong person for a position. No amount of onboarding would have helped. My most embarrassing hires were two people who were excellent for the role but who both flamed out because I did almost nothing with their onboarding process. I can’t do the split-test experiment to know, but it’s likely that a better onboarding effort would have helped these two become successful for our organization.
You can reasonably expect less onboarding for senior roles, for very experienced people, and much more onboarding and training for entry-level roles and less experienced people. But there is always some onboarding.
I recommend the hiring manager own the onboarding process. Delegate aspects of the overall effort while keeping the overall responsibility. Treat onboarding as an extension of the hiring process.
The Benefits of Effective Onboarding
A new employee will get a much faster start to being a productive contributor when you provide systematic help. Long-term retention of talent will improve. Project teams will suffer less disruption because of new-but-not-informed members. Effective onboarding redounds to your reputation as an effective hiring manager and increases the likelihood you’ll have more opportunities to hire in the future.
This article focuses on knowledge workers (though a portion of what is described here will be helpful for any kind of role). Knowledge workers roles are focused on adding value through information flows and decision-making. They create knowledge-based products and services.
Effective onboarding does take significant effort. It’s neither free nor passive. I suspect this is why many managers fail to do it well. This article will give you a straightforward, repeatable framework that you can use – and I’ll share many time-saving tips to reduce the overall workload on you as the manager.
Answering Common Objections
“Onboarding is HR’s job, not mine!” Almost no HR department in organization today has the capacity to handle more than basic transactional startup (which I address below). You can delegate portions of the onboarding work, but you dare not abdicate it as this person’s manager. No one is better equipped than you to work through the onboarding process.
“I don’t have this kind of time.” This is a short-sighted excuse. Invest some focused time early, and both you and the organization will reap the dividends going forward. You’ll avoid serious problems. You’ll minimize the disruptions that new team members can create.
“I hire people who should be able to do these things themselves.” Even the most experienced people will benefit from help navigating an organization and getting started on key initiatives. Reducing the threshold energy for success is worthwhile. Plus, you can ensure they understand your working style, your perspectives, and a clear picture of what success looks like.
“This is a lot of work for an employee who is likely to leave in 2-3 years anyway.” Are you always this cynical about the people you hire? Losing talented professionals reflects badly on you as the hiring manager. Failing to onboard well increases the likelihood they will leave sooner. Maximize their potential contribution by systematic help at the start.
The Minimal Work to Onboard a New Corporate Citizen
Your organization certainly has requirements for new employees. This is the list of items that most people think of when they hear the word “Onboarding.”
Your HR department likely has a checklist of required paperwork and registrations, including for payroll. The IT department will set up new account and appropriate security access. There are building security and ID badge requirements. Your organization may have required compliance or safety training. You may be required to identify initial performance goals.
The key for success here is to leverage the help your organization gives you and your new hire. Focus on efficiency and completeness so these required tasks are executed quickly and don’t leave lingering stumbling blocks. You may be able to delegate parts of this work to administrative assistants and designated contacts in support organizations.
A common mistake is to think the onboarding process mostly ends here. The larger value comes form the next steps.
Elements of an Onboarding Plan for Thriving Success
Beyond the “minimal corporate citizen” requirements are all the aspects of helping a new hire become successful in the role(s) for which you hired them.
The successful outcomes of this plan are:
An effective working relationship with you as their manager
Clear expectations on projects, ongoing work, and what success looks like
A working network of peers, colleagues, and stakeholders
An understanding of organizational culture – common practices, expected standards, rituals, internal language
Successes with initial project work and meaningful contributions that will be recognizable to your superiors and other stakeholders
Let’s consider these desired outcomes in turn and outline what you and your direct report need to do. These are the steps which distinguish a new hire.
Working Effectively with You
We manager have our preferences – we know what works well for us. Our new hires are not mind-readers, and often fail to ask the correct questions early. The first few days are the best time to create expectations.
You should explain:
How you prefer to receive information. Some people are primarily readers, others prefer listening. There is in-person and remote communication. Managers generally don’t like surprises. How should they keep you apprised on work in progress, and concerns? Do you prefer email, instant messaging, text messages, phone calls? Give them concrete examples.
How you will give them feedback and what kind of 1:1 time they can have with you. I recommend you explicitly say “I will coach you when I see situations where you need to know something, can avoid a ditch, or do something better next time.”
Expectations for team interactions, notification about absences or problems, standing meetings, typical agendas, and seasonal rhythms.
Mutually share some personal history information to help create a stronger relationship. You can’t and shouldn’t force people to share but most people will be happy to answer a few questions about what’s important to them outside of work, and their previous work history.
Setting Expectations and Defining Success
Your new hire may already know the purpose of the organization. They may know something about goals and expectations of the senior management – but explain them in depth. At worst, you’ve reinforced the importance of this perspective. Likely you will add to their understanding and provide additional context which connects their role to the larger organization objectives.
Don’t assume they know it or will magically “absorb” it from others. Own the responsibility that they know and understand. Here’s the test: Can they relay it accurately back to you?
You should also discuss the seasonal, quarterly, and annual flow of the business. Every organization has rhythms, and calling them out helps your new hire how to fit in, why project timelines are what they are, when budget decisions need to be made, etc.
It’s quite rare for knowledge workers to be fully effective immediately. Share your perspectives on how long it will take for them to experience success. Here is a script you can edit and use: “We hired you because we believe you can be a contributor soon, and a much better contributor in coming years. I’m going to help you get some early wins in the next 3-6 months. We have a complex business. Some things only happen a few times a year or once a year. So you might not hit stride for 18months – and that’s ok. The key is continual learning and striving for excellence.”
Establish formal goals. Your organization probably requires a document about annual goals. Focus on concrete, achievable goals for the next 2-3 months. Edit these goals as you go forward. Co-develop a work plan for the 6 weeks. That process will make it apparent who your new hire needs to meet and what they need to know (more on this below).
Schedule a review time 3 months out. This doesn’t need to be a formal “HR performance review.” Tell them the purpose is to set aside a few minutes to review how things are going and make any adjustments. “Your work is valuable. I want to ensure you’re getting what you need so you can deliver extraordinary results.” Specifically ask if there are things you need to do differently to be more clear, break down hurdles, and introduce her to more people.
Processes, Practices, and Rituals
Given enough time your new hire can probably figure out how the organization works. A few short conversations from you will dramatically reduce that time and eliminate the problems that happen with “trial and error” built on a dogpile of faulty assumptions.
Here’s a starting point of topics to explore:
Typical cultural expectations for email, instant messaging, agendas, meeting management
Standing meetings they need to attend. (Sidebar – make sure they get the invitations!)
Budget and expense tracking. Rules about travel and gifts.
Mechanisms for recognition and awards
How projects are typical approved and managed
Rules for getting approval to share information externally
How bonuses, promotions, and merit salary increases are handled
Specific Projects and Initiatives
Knowledge workers will generally jump into one or a small number of specific projects.
For existing projects and initiatives: Take some time to go through the project history or expectations of what the project should deliver. Brief them on project methodology (e.g., “we use agile software development here”) as helpful. Give them a concise and tangible description of what the successful project outcome will be. Discuss key attributes and background for other team members. Work with them to clarify project milestones and KPIs.
For new projects you’re asking them to begin: Add to the above more conversation about the picture of success, resource availability, what you expect for project updates and addressing problems, and details about all the stakeholders.
One of the most important outcomes of your onboard plan is to deliver early wins for your new hire. Design them. Make it tangible, with specific value. What can be delivered in 2-3 weeks, and then within 2 months?
People and Networks
Knowledge worker roles, even those defined as “individual contributors,” require significant interaction with other people. It’s simply a fact.
Your new hire will benefit from introductions to:
Her close working team, and peers
People in key supporting roles
Anyone who provides them information or context for their work
Direct beneficiaries of their work (sometimes called internal customers or clients)
Your boss
I recommend you create a 30 second and a 2-minute introduction “script” to personally introduce your new hire to others. Pick which one depending on who you’re introducing her to. The basics plus some context. Voice or in person introductions are best though this is not always possible.
You should also create a list of key influencers in your organization, including more senior managers and your peers. Give your new hire this list and ask him to set up meetings with them over a period of months for mutual introductions and sharing insights. Ask him to report back to you what he learned in the conversation. (Creating that expectation up front helps.) The goal here is to give your new hire additional opportunities to hear from others, but also to be “on the radar” of decision-makers in the future.
Getting Recognition for Progress and Successes
Consciously work to draw attention to the good work that your new hire is accomplishing. I recommend creating a weekly or bi-weekly recurring task to remind you to tell your boss about their work. Emphasize the value this new employee brings to your organization. Trumpet the early wins. Be candid about development opportunities when something did not go well.
Schedule time, even 15 minutes occasionally, to talk with stakeholders who are supposed to benefit from their contributions. Test assumptions. Listen to their feedback and suggestions. Relay insights and recommendations back to your new hire.
Look for opportunities to forward email correspondence or project documents to your boss or other stakeholders, adding your comments about their performance.
Timeline of the onboarding work
I recommend you think about onboarding work in three timeframes:
The first two weeks
The first two months
The first six months
A large fraction of the onboarding work – especially information sharing and introductions — does fall in the first two weeks, but the effort on your part will diminish as they develop confidence and connections.
The focus and effort over time looks like this:
Final Recommendations:
This is significant work but the cost of not helping someone onboard effectively is far higher. This fits the old mantra, “Pay me now, or pay me more later.”
Create a few notes about the onboarding plan. It’s likely that you can re-use some of this for future hires.
Explain what you’re doing and why to your boss. Emphasize the benefits to the organization. Reinforce this by sharing specific milestones and project deliverables from your new hire. This will add to your credibility as a manager.
Don’t be discouraged if you don’t see other managers doing anything like this. Hopefully your good example will be contagious.
Make this a fun process! Don’t think of it as a burden. You don’t have to do this onboarding work, you get to do it. Your new hire will benefit enormously, your organization benefits, and you benefit.
There were a series of events in the US in the 1970’s – all sincere, responding to desires in the time– which have had profound effects on our culture:
No fault divorce (first legalized in California in 1970)
Establishing Earth Day (1970) to anchor more attention to clean air and water
Abandoning the gold standard (1971) which accelerated fiat currency practices
Roe v. Wade (1973) which made abortion legal nation-wide
Exiting the Vietnam war (1975)
These, building on events in the 1960’s (e.g., Civil Rights legislation, the massive increase in federal social spending, introduction of the Pill, Marxist ideologies gaining credence in universities, TV becoming a dominant news and entertainment medium) have profoundly shaped the US over the past 50-60 years. It’s concurrent with the rise of widespread granting of decisive authority to inner feelings rather than from institutions and social structures.
These events came after the momentous global changes from WW1, the Great Depression, the rise of Communist states, WW2, the rebuilding of Europe and Japan, the beginning of the Cold War, and more.
Earlier than this you consider the consequences of the Franco-Prussian war, the consolidation of kingdoms in India, the American Civil War, the Napoleonic era, the Ottoman Empire, and so on. I haven’t even mentioned all that occurred in Asia and South America!
I continue to ponder all the connections and implications. Maybe someone will have enough perspective in 2200 to explain the impacts of the 1900’s more accurately.
An acquaintance, long-time Economist subscriber, told me that he has kept the annual “forecast” issues published each December about the year ahead. “They’re amazingly wrong,” he said. “Very little of their forecast turned out to be correct.”
They wrote these predictions with great confidence. What does it tell us that a group of smart people have this much difficulty predicting the events and trends in next 12-18 months? We’re addicted to punditry on current events and predictions about what comes next, even if we know they’re more likely to be wrong than correct. We somehow weight the confidence of their statements much more than we care about their track record of accuracy.
So many changes have happened, so frequently, that we must avoid the error of assuming the future is a short extrapolation of the present. It’s difficult (and uncomfortable) to imagine a future radically different than our immediate past, but major transformations will happen.
A lesson that I’m still learning: Lean into changes and work for the best, rather than leaning back fearfully and hoping someone else makes it all better.
You don’t need to embrace everything new. Tik-tok is now the most-visited website in the world and your life will be fine if you decide not to go there. Retain your power of choice.
Lean into changes when they are reality now. Don’t waste energy being angry or resentful when reality foists changes upon you. Be prepared for different scenarios, while being skeptical about anyone ability to correctly predict future events.
An acquaintance, long-time Economist subscriber, told me that he has kept the annual “forecast” issues published each December about the year ahead. “They’re amazingly wrong,” he said. “Very little of their forecast turned out to be correct.”
They wrote these predictions with great confidence. What does it tell us that a group of smart people have this much difficulty predicting the events and trends in next 12-18 months? We’re addicted to punditry on current events and predictions about what comes next, even if we know they’re more likely to be wrong than correct. We somehow weight the confidence of their statements much more than we care about their track record of accuracy.
Be prepared for different scenarios, while being skeptical about anyone ability to correctly predict future events.
Scale of operation capability has been a deciding factor in war for many centuries, and in businesses since the beginning of the Industrial Revolution. People oversimplify scale. Scale is only a benefit if you are larger than your competitors. Relative scale is what matters.
(It’s the same if you’re competing with who you were yesterday. I’ll talk more about this another time.)
Relative scale succeeds when the means of competition are roughly the same (e.g, both sides of are warring with similar weapons, or two businesses have similar business models). We see David v. Goliath upsets when the competitors are using different tactics entirely, or playing by different rules. Then the relative scale can become a limitation, a hindrance.
My observation is that what makes everything worse in a changed situation – whether war or business model competition – is the reluctance to recognize the shift combined with stubbornness (the ugly twin of persistence). Britain and France got bogged down in a trench war with Germany in WW1. Rather than changing approach, everyone just executed artillery strikes harder. Sears and other big retailers had the potential to compete against digital suppliers like Amazon, but doubled down on their physical retail space advantage rather than recognizing it was a growing liability. Kodak famously invented a digital camera but dismissed it as inferior, failing to recognize the power of pixel density doubling and quadrupling each year.
It’s easy to criticize others in these stories. It’s harder to see it when you’re making the same category error. Therefore, strive for humility when you have a relative scale advantage, and be willing to release your stubborn grip to better hold any advantage loosely. It helps to remember you win bigger by playing the long game rather than optimizing for short-term gains.
