Who do you associate with? Who are your peers?
Our tendency to create hierarchies has practical wisdom in group dynamics, from families to organizations to kingdoms. Every effort to create leaderless communes failed. We hold this in tension with the simultaneous reality: You’re not ‘above’ anyone.
At one level, every human is your peer. We should be respectful to all. The apostle Paul gave important commands to the churches in Rome: Live in harmony with one another. Do not be haughty, but associate with the lowly. Never be wise in your own sight. (Romans 12:16) These are commands because they aren’t our default behaviors! Tim Keller gave this insight about the intrinsic value of every person, including yourself: “The only person in the universe whose opinion counts looks at me and He finds me more valuable than all the jewels in creation.”
Deep-in-our-bones conviction of intrinsic human value keeps us from great evil.
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Not everyone is our peer in another way. We should have selective peer thinking because of the power of association to shape us. I’m not recommending elitism, but wisdom.
The apostle Paul does not contradict himself when he counseled the Corinthian church to not associate with immoral, unrepentant people (see 1 Corinthians 5). There are several Proverbs about not associating with thieves and those who would draw you into adultery. Wisdom requires guarding your heart from temptations and company that would shape your heart and mind in bad ways.
Most of us have failed at the “love the sinner but hate the sin” strategy.
I find an important clue in John 2:24 : But Jesus on his part did not entrust himself to them. Jesus loved these people, served them, helped them, but did not put his full trust in them, because he knew what they were.
Think of peers and associates as someone to whom you are willing to entrust yourself. You can recognize the intrinsic value of every person, love and serve them as you are called, but focus your listening and learning by associating with people who bring forward your best.
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Who are your peers in this way? With whom do you associate? Not everyone.
We’re constantly living on the cusp of extraordinary tech (and social) changes. We’re frequently in transition states – children, parents, jobs, locations, pastimes, leadership, business models, community structures. Seek out people who have navigated big changes. Seek people who are a little ahead of you on life stages.
Much of what we depend upon is unstable. My grandfather would tell me, “Glenn, if something can’t go on forever, it will stop.” The wildcards in global and local economics, debt, geopolitics, competing government models, religious and philosophical worldviews, education, and climate make it impossible to forecast the future. The uncertainty is palpable. We sense there is something we can’t predict coming, maybe fast. Therefore, seek out people who can help you “anticipate the un-anticipatable,” a phrase I borrow from Perry Marshall.
Some people have a healthy mindset. They go about their craft without anxiety about the latest news alert (of 23 you can hear daily). They stay focused on what they can control. They care deeply about good foundations and solid ‘construction’ or organizations and still care about individuals. They think about today and about 50 years from now. Associate with deep people like this.
There are very few truly new questions. Not long ago a younger person told me they couldn’t believe in an omnipotent loving God because there is suffering in the world. They clearly believed that they were the first person to question suffering. I steered them to books which are hundreds and thousands of years old. Books are incredibly cheap for the lifetimes of wisdom and insights they offer you. Associate with the great thinkers and writers of the past.
Your peers must include people who excel in your domain. If you own a growing business, you can’t talk about your $250,000 tax bill with just anyone at the church picnic. If you’re a pastor, only a few non-pastors can be trusted to help you wrestle with thorny challenges. I’ve interviewed military men and fully understand why they don’t share all their combat stories with me, because I’m not their peer. Leaders in large organizations need peers with experience that uniquely emerges with groups of more than 200-400 people. This applies to all domains of expertise and experience. Find peers in your domain.
A useful litmus test is whether they will encourage you. There are plenty of people who will push you but don’t love you or your dreams. Associate only with people who will encourage you and push you because they care for you. I like this definition of a friend: Someone who won’t think less of you when you call them at 3am desperate for help.
You’ll encounter people who meet these criteria but… you don’t resonate with them. You don’t like spending time around them. It’s hard to articulate but it’s real. Don’t feel forced into associating with them. Have confidence that a better match is coming into your life soon.
Embrace the reality that peers and associates will shift over time. You grow, you need new things, people around you change. Everything life-giving is dynamic; only dying and dead things are stuck in place. The old wisdom that “when the student is ready the teacher appears” is certainly true. Our cup must have some room for new insights. We cannot be too full to receive more.
You’ll need to pay for some peers and associates. It could cost you much more to NOT have people like these available to you. Buy books. Get paid coaches, teachers, advisors, and mentors. And cultivate plenty of associates who you can go to and simply ask a favor.
