Though digitally interacting more than ever, awash in entertainment and information, we might be the loneliest generation in history. There are reports today that loneliness is as medically dangerous as smoking.
A colleague surprised me recently when she blurted out, “I’m so desperately lonely.” Right after she told me this she insisted I keep this a secret. I suspect few around her, perhaps no one, would label her “desperately lonely.” She is compelled to maintain the illusion.
We crave connection. We both want to be known and are terrified to be known. Being known is unsafe. At times even the most bizarre masks and illusions we can generate are preferable to being known. I think the reason why is because we fear that if we’re really known we won’t be loved. This fear stokes many self-defeating behaviors.
I felt horribly lonely during a stretch in high school, so of course I read a book about loneliness written by a prominent psychologist I saw on Phil Donahue’s show. Dreadful schlock, it just made me feel worse because it amplified and supported my selfish woe-is-me thinking. Zero useful advice. Some time after that I decided that I felt lonely because I was on a journey that people around me couldn’t understand. God and parents were quite patient with this arrogance.
Feelings of loneliness are amplified when we don’t have a clear Why, a call, a mission. Our best animal spirits of bravery and adventure turn against us when our biggest goal is to just bumble through today.
Every moment we invest in being truly present – paying attention, noticing details and patterns, evaluating with all our senses – is a moment we won’t feel lonely. Lonely people dwell on themselves and comparisons to others. Connecting with our world reduces the space loneliness gets to operate.
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Everyone one of you is a leader in some way, for some people.
The truth: Loneliness is necessary to effective leadership. The challenge is to embrace loneliness as a gift, rather than fight against it the wrong way. Every leader faces loneliness. Many try the wrong approaches to escape loneliness, to the point of abdicating leadership roles when we desperately need them to lead.
Leadership forces a structural kind of loneliness by design. You need a kind of distance from a group to lead them well. Leaders need to know their people but avoid being sucked into the crowd. Former peers often misunderstand why a leader acts differently than they did “before.” Leaders often feel alone and distant, even when surrounded by others and busy with all kinds of good work.
Loneliness is not optional, even if you display a brave social face. Certain decisions come down to YOU. Your only choices are to decide or abdicate. Those decisions, and your behaviors, will occasionally be misunderstood and misrepresented by some people. These realities create an inevitable loneliness.
Loneliness is the common experience for all leaders, and indeed, all deep people. Winston Churchill could not have successfully led Britain in WW2 had he not endured a lonely decade of preparation, operating out of power and influence after being blamed for the disaster at Gallipoli. Abraham Lincoln’s letters show he was intensely lonely during the American Civil War, faced with horribly difficult decisions. Steve Jobs learned during his lonely exile from Apple after his board of directors fired him; those lessons and greater self-awareness were vital to his success when he returned to Apple. These are dramatic examples in history. There are a million more “ordinary” leaders who endured significant loneliness and later became deeply grateful for it.
Avoiding loneliness is hazardous. Of course, you should have friendships and mentors. Of course, you should pursue healthy solitude, to improve your capability to be truly with people to serve them well. Yet, you’ll still experience loneliness. Avoiding loneliness leads to greater problems:
Lying to yourself about loneliness is not a growth strategy. Seek to be a better truth-teller than a better liar.
Denying your loneliness distorts your ability to appropriately assess your behavior, and the behavior of others. It’s also a slippery path into depression.
Numbing your loneliness with alcohol, drugs, and distracting entertainment is, at best, deferring your need to deal with reality. Numbing always creates secondary consequences which make problems harder to solve. You’ll hear people say, ‘Kick the can down the road, and deal with it later.’ It’s not a can that will eventually rust away. You’re kicking a grizzly bear cub that grows up and gets meaner by the day.
Whining about your loneliness won’t help (and simply demonstrates your immaturity). Wallowing in your loneliness is refusing to learn what it can teach you and resisting its ability to help transform you as a leader.
Find purpose and meaning in the loneliness! Embrace it as a gift, rather than fight it as a horror. Gird yourself and stand firm. Lean into your lonely moments. Expect loneliness to be hard AND worthwhile.
Loneliness has transforming power. It keeps our pride in check and gives us space for honest self-assessment. You have strengths and weaknesses, assets and vulnerabilities. During the lonely times you discover your true friends and allies. What others think (or we imagine they think) becomes less important. Loneliness done well, not bitterly, helps us be more generous with people even as we see their masks and insecurities. We recognize the loneliness of others with empathy.
Loneliness is a crucible for clarifying your vision and calling. Loneliness forces us to evaluate our bedrock principles. The intensity of loneliness is a powerful filter for signal from noise and clamor.
Lonely times are preparation for future leadership. We get space to process our emotions, so we can accept new challenges. Especially as we anticipate a coming difficulty, we need time before we can say, “Let’s go. Bring it on.” Loneliness expands our ability to be effective while we’re uncomfortable. Loneliness is practice strengthening our minds, hearts, and sinews for even harder fights to come.
Finally, perhaps most importantly, loneliness shapes your relationship with God — the only Person who knows your fears, doubts, and pain.
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Please understand – I’m not suggesting loneliness is all bubblegum, popcorn, and parties.
I am convinced that a subset of the people who embrace today’s challenges of loneliness will be the deeper people who lead in tomorrow’s opportunities.
Seven practical helps during the lonely times:
- Say “thank you” aloud, even as you ache and weep inside.
- Share your thoughts only with highly trusted people who have experience to understand and appreciate the challenge.
- Read biographies. Speak with other leaders. Remind yourself that every deep person experiences loneliness.
- Journal. Writing is cathartic and clarifying. Journaling is a means of interacting constructively with your thoughts and experiences.
- Pray and meditate. These ancient practices are good for you.
- Take long walks and exercise get your blood flowing. You’ll process strong emotions better.
- Avoid addictions which distract or numb you.
- Embrace loneliness as a gift that transforms you into a better leader for bigger challenges.