Note: this is from a draft chapter from my upcoming book about influencing the next ten generations.
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Some people say what the world needs is education. Many people have said that what the world needs is love. There’s truth in both.
In terms of influence, what the world needs are difference-makers.
Influence is about being a difference-maker.
Influence is about living a life that others respect, admire, and see reasons to emulate.
Influence is about communicating through example: words, actions, creating, serving.
Can you guarantee your influence in the near-term or long-term? No. It can be frustrating to see people (apparently) not responding to your influence, or flat out rejecting you. It can be frustrating when we feel our sphere of influence is small. We must not let these realities deter us from seeking to be a person of influence.
It’s tempting to compare yourself to others. It’s discouraging to look at goofy videos that get millions of views in five days while your meaningful content gets 94 views in a week. One man, a genuine scholar, said to me, “Hell, the Kardashians are famous for nothing more than having big butts and being famous!” Another acquaintance, who has poured his life into youth soccer, commented to me that he doubts any of the kids will remember his name in 15 years. Our aim must be to do our part and trust the results will come. Influence is an emergent property of living a good life.
Influence must be rooted in hope. Yes, people are stupid and foolish. Yes, your excellent ideas and messages and recommendations often fall on deaf ears. Yes, your own sinfulness damaged relationships at times and undermined trust with people you love, which makes it harder to have positive influence with them. Yes, a gazillion other people seem to be more influential than you think you are. Yes, you struggle to find the right words in the moment (and replay those events a thousand times afterward). Yes, some wretched people have bought and finagled their way into positions of power. Yes, you’re impatient. Yes, your ego has occasionally bested you. Yes, people have said things to you which discourage you, and you’ve run into barriers. Yes, you’ve been lonely. Continue to fight the valiant fight anyway. Continue to believe that living a life of influence is worthwhile and rewards are coming, however delayed. Find running mates in the race. Continue to “strain forward to what lies ahead” (Philippians 3:13).
My recommendation is this: Don’t measure your influence against others, and heavily weight the long-term outcomes of living a good life over what’s going on today.
Sometime people get tripped up by thinking of influence as ‘motivating people.’
A personal story… Some years ago, I was asked to be on a panel discussion at the end of a supervisor training session. I scooted into the conference room just in time and took my designated seat at the front of the room.
The first question that came to me was from a younger lady: “How do you motivate people?” I replied simply, “You can’t.”
There were a few chuckles, and then the laugher spread. I noticed the HR facilitator at the back of the room put her hand over her mouth. The young lady smiled and pointed at a spot over my head.
I turned to look behind me and realized I was sitting directly underneath a big poster titled “How to Motivate People.”
I laughed and explained my view:
“All motivation is intrinsic. You can’t affect something intrinsic in person directly. You can provide new information. You can give them an alternative frame of reference. You can create incentives for behaviors you prefer, and disincentives for behaviors you don’t prefer. These are all indirect means of influence. Their motivation is 100% their decision. The best leaders tap into their pre-existing motivation. It’s like stepping in front of a parade and helping the parade make turns and go a bit faster.”
Persuasion is an element of influence. The main factors in persuasion (above and beyond the content of your statements and stories) are
- Reciprocation
- Commitment and consistency
- Social Proof
- Liking
- Authority
- Scarcity
(I refer you to Robert Cialdini’s books “Influence: The Psychology of Persuasion” and “Pre-suasion” for a master class in these factors. He explains the psychology behind them. You’ll never look at advertising and sales pitches the same way again!)
Persuasion is a craft – a combination of learned skills and art to produce something beautiful and useful – which contributes to our ability to influence. Most people who seek to be more influential should work on the craft of persuasion.
Communication is another craft of influence. Here I’m referring to using our voice, words, and artistry to share messages. The mindset of sharing is different than telling. We all have points of view, ideas, and stories. Vocal range, silence, pauses, body language, and imagery are part and parcel of the craft. There are learnable skills in sharing them effectively. Communication is also a lifelong craft.
Influence is not manipulation. Manipulation is coercion without violence (though it may include the threat of violence). I’m not advocating that we as individuals should sanction manipulation in our plan to be influential. The people who are famous for being notorious were master manipulators of the people around them. Don’t emulate their methods.
Authenticity is a popular word now. It’s not a bad word, but I still prefer the word Integrity. A person can be an authentic devious, manipulative, arrogant ignoramus and liar. Integrity comes to English from the Latin word integritatem which is translated in old literature as soundness, wholeness, completeness, and blamelessness. My ancestors stressed that integrity means saying what you mean and meaning what you say. My Scoutmaster told me “Make promises carefully, because you must keep them.” Integrity and influence are soul-mates.
