I often hear calls for tolerance, balance, and harmony. There are specific problems with each as a goal. Let’s unpack these.
“We should be tolerant!”
If you multiply -1 by -1 you get a positive number. In that spirit, we must be intolerant of intolerance to get back to tolerance. It’s uncomfortable. It means calling out intolerance with gentleness and respect for people and steel spines with hard eyes for ideas and behaviors.
This brings us back to the difference between being nice and being kind. Nice people default to avoiding saying anything which might trigger conflict. Kind people will tell you your fly is open, you have lettuce stuck in your teeth, you’re being a hypocrite or foolish, and to stop claiming victimhood. Seek out coaches and mentors who are kind, not nice – they’ll give you life-growth feedback. The old saying “If you can’t say something nice, say nothing at all” is for children still learning self-control, not mature adults navigating challenging opportunities. And yes, sometimes maturity means shutting up and saying nothing, because that’s the kindest choice.
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“But Glenn, it’s about balance!”
First, people speak as if balance is free and self-sustaining. Balance requires significant work. I’ve been practicing balance and stability exercises this year. I assure you, balance requires an amazing number of small muscle movements. Certain balance positions and balanced slow movements drench me in sweat.
Second, I only want some forms of balance. I don’t want a balance of good and evil, I want all good. I don’t want a balance of healthy and unhealthy, I want all healthy. I don’t want the bad guys to win half the battles. I don’t want an equal mix of proven-bad ideas and good ideas in an education system. I’m not being silly, just pointing out the foolishness of “balance” as the ultimate objective.
We must live with tradeoffs because the world is dynamic. Instead of seeking balance, aim for constructive tension, rhythms of effort and recovery, and resilience.
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“Glenn, I just want to live in harmony with everyone.”
Worthy ambition! My response questions: Is harmony the same as absence of conflict? Is harmony the same as immediate and perfect consensus?
If so, then we’re in the shallows and wearing masks, suppressing the truth when it’s inconvenient. We all say some foolish things and have poor ideas. We’re going to miss opportunities to collectively put our ideas on the anvil, hammering them out to improve them, or at least break the bad ideas. Harmony and consensus are active duty, not passive, not waltzed into on a whim.
A certain degree of conflict is necessary and desirable. Read Socrates’ dialogues or Jesus’ interactions with people – constant questioning and challenging assumptions, and frankly, highly uncomfortable!
