Expectations are good. The prerequisite for planning is to have expectations. You must anticipate possible factors and act in ways that favor better outcomes. Without expectations you can’t make good choices.
Expectations are also the root of disappointments, resentments, and bitterness. Reality doesn’t always match what we promised ourselves – or think was promised to us. Reality holds trump cards which defy our expectations.
Expectations emerge from the stories we allow to shape our assumptions, our worldviews. Some of those stories we hear from others are carefully curated, smoothly polished, and even intentionally crafted. Those stories amplify some elements of reality and downplay others. When our experience doesn’t match the story we absorbed we take the emotional hit. “This wasn’t what I thought it was going to be!” That gap between our expectations and experience drives unhelpful behaviors.
I’m sure you can think of examples where expectations crashed into reality like a bug hitting a windshield. I think about:
- Awkward relationships vs. ‘norm’ on TV shows and movies
- Standing up to bullies not going well
- The long slog to getting my degrees, and how getting them didn’t lead to acclaim and jobs
- Publishing books and writing newsletters
- Church and work leadership roles, and having to deal with the ugliness of people stuff
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Becoming cynical and giving up hopes and dreams is not the answer. We need stories to inspire and prepare us. We simply cannot let them solidify into a set of expectations that when unmet lead us into quitting, whining, and abandoning. The gift is the opportunity to open ourselves to experiences and learn from them.
I sometimes advocate people to hold expectations like a wet bar of soap in the shower. Squeeze it too tightly, and it will squirt away. Hold too loosely and you’ll drop it. You must gently hold the slippery bar and adjust your grip as you go.
My recommended strategy is this: Accept life for what it is, don’t dwell in the past, and strain forward as we’re called. You might recognize this: Not that I have already obtained all this, or have already arrived at my goal, but I press on to take hold of that for which Christ Jesus took hold of me. Brothers and sisters, I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus. (Paul writing to the Philippian church, 3:12-14, NIV)
We learn to enjoy joyful moments, because constant joy isn’t realistic.
We learn to savor our precious relationships, because some relationships are discouraging drains, bereft of love and caring.
We learn to walk in sunshine and rain, because life gives us both.
We learn that not all pain is bad for us, and not all pleasure is good for us.
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Burnout is a serious problem in organizations. It’s related to the percentage of people who aren’t fully engaged at work – Gallup says that number is about 70% and has been at that level for many years.
Most people think burnout is because people have too much workload. They can’t sustain it. Sometimes the answer to burnout is a change of role, change of work, change of station. Sometimes we need an extended rest and recovery period.
Yet fully-engaged people surprise themselves with work capacity and energy. They are working hard, expanding their scope, and not burning out.
My observation: People burn out because they have too little impact. They’re grinding away and they don’t see results or progress or meaning. We don’t thrive when we see zero correlation between our work and meaningful progress, even when we’re paid for the work.
I encourage you to reflect on this.
By the way, you can clearly see this burnout phenomenon in the history of communist countries.
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The key to having more impact is to focus your attention on the 20% that has the greatest payoff for the organization, or at least the people in your sphere of influence. This is related to focusing on the important-not-urgent what whispers, rather than urgent “schtuff” which screams for your attention. Another way to frame this is to decide to spend more time on $10,000/hour work than $10/hour work.
Impact players in sports and business work hard. The difference is working hard on the critical few things. Being busy is easy; doing effective work is harder.
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Impact is related to Influence. I’ve written before about how I’d like to influence more people. I’ve even published a book about influencing more people!
Perhaps rather than seeking to have a larger influence, I should instead focus on pursuing the most meaningful work and life that I’m called to. That might not look like much by some standards, from an external view. I’d have to swallow some ego, for sure. But I can relax my “grip” and be unconcerned about the influence because it will be an emergent property of the meaningful work. My risk of burnout plummets. I will still need to fight for joy. I will fix my eyes on the correct Person!
