Consider how much better the world would be if everyone had a great father and a great mother. Even a pretty good father and mother.
We know this because the evidence piles up fast from children, young people, and adults who did not. Much higher rates of emotional and mental problems, dysfunctional relationships, addictions, crime, violence. Deficit parenting early in childhood is not easily made up later on; the consequences are more profound. Being human, we tend to perpetuate our experience to the next generations.
Is there a genetic predisposition at work here? To some degree, almost certainly. (It’s very hard to prove a certainty.) We have evidence of DNA modification being passed down two generations. But the multiple stories of people who have consciously broken the chains of abuse and addiction and self-loathing tell us this is more nurture than nature. It’s an important message from good fathers and mothers: Sustained change is possible.
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Personal story. I loved my dad. He died unexpectedly almost 22 years ago and I still think of him daily. That loss taught me, deeply, that we’re not built to say goodbye, physically or spiritually. It’s not a design feature.
My dad wasn’t perfect. Like most teenagers, I thought him a complete idiot for a few years until I had more experiences to appreciate his wisdom. My dad exemplified self-control and was an excellent negotiator and persuader. But he was not a dangerous man.
I wanted my dad to be something that he wasn’t. I wanted a man who was dangerous but highly self-controlled. He had significant strength and endurance, but he wasn’t dangerous.
I picked up the ‘dangerous’ dimension of a father from scoutmasters, a sensei, a college professor. I over-indulged my desire to be dangerous for a few years, in part because for two years I didn’t have a good fatherly role model for being dangerous with self-control.
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I have a working hypothesis that we seek out other father and mother figures where our own parents fall short. I’ve seen this in my life and in the lives of friends, and you can certainly find it in many biographies. Many young men today are enthralled by leaders like Jordan Peterson and Jocko Willink inspiring them to be responsible, active, and self-controlled. They would have a smaller audience if 95% of fathers and the culture at large were providing this messaging and encouragement.
We never outgrow our need for parents and mentors. I believe this is why God in the Bible is described with so many fatherly and motherly characteristics. We will ‘outgrow’ some fatherly and motherly human mentors over time. We still honor them for how they helped us, but we move forward. We’re changing, they’re changing.
Which leads me to encourage you to invest yourself in parenting and mentoring others. Every generation needs many fathers and mothers. You can abdicate these roles but you can’t delegate them.
