What’s the difference between doing nothing for a year and making a 1% improvement daily for a year?1.00 to the 365th power = 1.00
1.01 to the 365th power = 37.7
Small consistent efforts are enormously powerful.
Consider how much better the world would be if everyone had a great father and a great mother. Even a pretty good father and mother.
We know this because the evidence piles up fast from children, young people, and adults who did not. Much higher rates of emotional and mental problems, dysfunctional relationships, addictions, crime, violence. Deficit parenting early in childhood is not easily made up later on; the consequences are more profound. Being human, we tend to perpetuate our experience to the next generations.
Is there a genetic predisposition at work here? To some degree, almost certainly. (It’s very hard to prove a certainty.) We have evidence of DNA modification being passed down two generations. But the multiple stories of people who have consciously broken the chains of abuse and addiction and self-loathing tell us this is more nurture than nature. It’s an important message from good fathers and mothers: Sustained change is possible.
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Personal story. I loved my dad. He died unexpectedly almost 22 years ago and I still think of him daily. That loss taught me, deeply, that we’re not built to say goodbye, physically or spiritually. It’s not a design feature.
My dad wasn’t perfect. Like most teenagers, I thought him a complete idiot for a few years until I had more experiences to appreciate his wisdom. My dad exemplified self-control and was an excellent negotiator and persuader. But he was not a dangerous man.
I wanted my dad to be something that he wasn’t. I wanted a man who was dangerous but highly self-controlled. He had significant strength and endurance, but he wasn’t dangerous.
I picked up the ‘dangerous’ dimension of a father from scoutmasters, a sensei, a college professor. I over-indulged my desire to be dangerous for a few years, in part because for two years I didn’t have a good fatherly role model for being dangerous with self-control.
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I have a working hypothesis that we seek out other father and mother figures where our own parents fall short. I’ve seen this in my life and in the lives of friends, and you can certainly find it in many biographies. Many young men today are enthralled by leaders like Jordan Peterson and Jocko Willink inspiring them to be responsible, active, and self-controlled. They would have a smaller audience if 95% of fathers and the culture at large were providing this messaging and encouragement.
We never outgrow our need for parents and mentors. I believe this is why God in the Bible is described with so many fatherly and motherly characteristics. We will ‘outgrow’ some fatherly and motherly human mentors over time. We still honor them for how they helped us, but we move forward. We’re changing, they’re changing.
Which leads me to encourage you to invest yourself in parenting and mentoring others. Every generation needs many fathers and mothers. You can abdicate these roles but you can’t delegate them.
Are you in the 4th Quarter of your career? Roughly, last 10 years of a 40-year career at an organization or in an industry.
Many books and articles are available on getting started well in your new career, and there are many books about mid-career challenges — but very little is said about finishing well.
At this stage of your career:
We want to finish strong. We want to be remembered for excellence and professionalism.
We also want to transition well to our next adventure. This is a reset in mindset and expectations, in rhythms and practices. It’s much more than figuring out your retirement finances! This transition requires self-reflection, insights, and planning. The transition work begins before you submit your final notice.
I believe that finishing strong and transitioning well in the fourth quarter of your career are two sides of the same coin. I’d like to learn from others!
“Don’t you dare retire until you find fulfilling ways to use your time and energy!”
Those were the words of my doctor when I turned 55. He explained that he’d had too many male patients die within 18 months of retiring, and he was certain it was because their identity was so rooted in their job that they didn’t have anything else.
Be wary of how much of your identity is wrapped up in a job. Remember that when you’re gone the company will likely fill your position within a few weeks or months.
You’ve probably heard the example of sticking your hand in a bucket of water and pulling it out – leaves no hole! BUT the dirt and oils on your hand did stay in the water, and if you swirled your hand you created some motion that will carry forward.
Still, organizations, especially larger organizations, move on without you.
Though digitally interacting more than ever, awash in entertainment and information, we might be the loneliest generation in history. There are reports today that loneliness is as medically dangerous as smoking.
A colleague surprised me recently when she blurted out, “I’m so desperately lonely.” Right after she told me this she insisted I keep this a secret. I suspect few around her, perhaps no one, would label her “desperately lonely.” She is compelled to maintain the illusion.
We crave connection. We both want to be known and are terrified to be known. Being known is unsafe. At times even the most bizarre masks and illusions we can generate are preferable to being known. I think the reason why is because we fear that if we’re really known we won’t be loved. This fear stokes many self-defeating behaviors.
I felt horribly lonely during a stretch in high school, so of course I read a book about loneliness written by a prominent psychologist I saw on Phil Donahue’s show. Dreadful schlock, it just made me feel worse because it amplified and supported my selfish woe-is-me thinking. Zero useful advice. Some time after that I decided that I felt lonely because I was on a journey that people around me couldn’t understand. God and parents were quite patient with this arrogance.
Feelings of loneliness are amplified when we don’t have a clear Why, a call, a mission. Our best animal spirits of bravery and adventure turn against us when our biggest goal is to just bumble through today.
Every moment we invest in being truly present – paying attention, noticing details and patterns, evaluating with all our senses – is a moment we won’t feel lonely. Lonely people dwell on themselves and comparisons to others. Connecting with our world reduces the space loneliness gets to operate.
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Everyone one of you is a leader in some way, for some people.
The truth: Loneliness is necessary to effective leadership. The challenge is to embrace loneliness as a gift, rather than fight against it the wrong way. Every leader faces loneliness. Many try the wrong approaches to escape loneliness, to the point of abdicating leadership roles when we desperately need them to lead.
Leadership forces a structural kind of loneliness by design. You need a kind of distance from a group to lead them well. Leaders need to know their people but avoid being sucked into the crowd. Former peers often misunderstand why a leader acts differently than they did “before.” Leaders often feel alone and distant, even when surrounded by others and busy with all kinds of good work.
Loneliness is not optional, even if you display a brave social face. Certain decisions come down to YOU. Your only choices are to decide or abdicate. Those decisions, and your behaviors, will occasionally be misunderstood and misrepresented by some people. These realities create an inevitable loneliness.
Loneliness is the common experience for all leaders, and indeed, all deep people. Winston Churchill could not have successfully led Britain in WW2 had he not endured a lonely decade of preparation, operating out of power and influence after being blamed for the disaster at Gallipoli. Abraham Lincoln’s letters show he was intensely lonely during the American Civil War, faced with horribly difficult decisions. Steve Jobs learned during his lonely exile from Apple after his board of directors fired him; those lessons and greater self-awareness were vital to his success when he returned to Apple. These are dramatic examples in history. There are a million more “ordinary” leaders who endured significant loneliness and later became deeply grateful for it.
Avoiding loneliness is hazardous. Of course, you should have friendships and mentors. Of course, you should pursue healthy solitude, to improve your capability to be truly with people to serve them well. Yet, you’ll still experience loneliness. Avoiding loneliness leads to greater problems:
Lying to yourself about loneliness is not a growth strategy. Seek to be a better truth-teller than a better liar.
Denying your loneliness distorts your ability to appropriately assess your behavior, and the behavior of others. It’s also a slippery path into depression.
Numbing your loneliness with alcohol, drugs, and distracting entertainment is, at best, deferring your need to deal with reality. Numbing always creates secondary consequences which make problems harder to solve. You’ll hear people say, ‘Kick the can down the road, and deal with it later.’ It’s not a can that will eventually rust away. You’re kicking a grizzly bear cub that grows up and gets meaner by the day.
Whining about your loneliness won’t help (and simply demonstrates your immaturity). Wallowing in your loneliness is refusing to learn what it can teach you and resisting its ability to help transform you as a leader.
Find purpose and meaning in the loneliness! Embrace it as a gift, rather than fight it as a horror. Gird yourself and stand firm. Lean into your lonely moments. Expect loneliness to be hard AND worthwhile.
Loneliness has transforming power. It keeps our pride in check and gives us space for honest self-assessment. You have strengths and weaknesses, assets and vulnerabilities. During the lonely times you discover your true friends and allies. What others think (or we imagine they think) becomes less important. Loneliness done well, not bitterly, helps us be more generous with people even as we see their masks and insecurities. We recognize the loneliness of others with empathy.
Loneliness is a crucible for clarifying your vision and calling. Loneliness forces us to evaluate our bedrock principles. The intensity of loneliness is a powerful filter for signal from noise and clamor.
Lonely times are preparation for future leadership. We get space to process our emotions, so we can accept new challenges. Especially as we anticipate a coming difficulty, we need time before we can say, “Let’s go. Bring it on.” Loneliness expands our ability to be effective while we’re uncomfortable. Loneliness is practice strengthening our minds, hearts, and sinews for even harder fights to come.
Finally, perhaps most importantly, loneliness shapes your relationship with God — the only Person who knows your fears, doubts, and pain.
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Please understand – I’m not suggesting loneliness is all bubblegum, popcorn, and parties.
I am convinced that a subset of the people who embrace today’s challenges of loneliness will be the deeper people who lead in tomorrow’s opportunities.
Seven practical helps during the lonely times:
One of the challenges of a maturing life is deciding what to keep, what to cherish, what to let go. Physical items. Relationships. Memories and experiences. Ambitions.
You probably know that I love books. LOVE books.
When we moved from one house to another in Iowa, about 6 years ago, I winnowed my physical book collection down from 11 bookshelves and a bunch of boxes to 5 bookshelves. That was painful.
I further winnowed from 5 bookshelves to 2 bookshelves when we moved to Florida. That was even more painful.
I’m getting better at reading Kindle books, but it’s still frustrating when I want to study and mark up a book with my notes. I currently have 690 Kindle books.
I kept these physical books:
Making those decisions about books is simpler than deciding what to keep and what to let go in other dimensions.
Questions are the key to tapping into wisdom. There is no genuine education without questions, only indoctrination. Questions are the foundation of good dialogue. Questions generate insights and more questions; questions are a positive feedback system when we’re willing to engage. (Ever notice how a person’s refusal to answer a question destroys dialogue?) Questions are how we break down barriers and know one another better.
God isn’t fearful of questions, He invites them. The new AI tools will strongly favor people who can ask better questions. Note: there are currently thousands of jobs available for “prompt engineers.”
Deep people are always working on the craft of asking better questions.
What’s at stake?
We make choices – big choices – based on how we answer that question.
I saw an interview some years ago with a West Point instructor. He said “When business leaders fail people lose their jobs. When we [the US Army] fail people die and nations fall.”
I’m aware of the safety training in Kevlar plants for the work needed around 10,000-liter tanks of hydrofluoric acid. Everyone pays attention. Everyone follows the protocols. People will die a horrible melting death when they don’t.
Parents make decisions about time and focus differently if they’re thinking “We’re devoting to raising competent adults” vs. “we’re just about getting through the day.”
The choice between movie A or move B on Netflix tonight? Whatever. Nothing really at stake!
I would argue that one reason why schools (at all levels) and religious institutions are rarely producing people who can learn and grow on their own is that the leaders act as if not much is at stake. They’re not serious. They have limited reflection and self-challenge to rise to high performance levels. They’re lowering the bar and moving the goalposts.
Our political leaders (or should I say political theater actors?) speak loudly about existential threats and can get more donations and attention when “everything is at stake.” Unfortunately, so much credibility has been eroded when people learn about lies and corruption that most citizens don’t believe much is at stake – or at least, these leaders are not to be trusted with what is at stake.
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I was recently inspired to think about the illusion of choice. Yes, we have choices. Yet if we truly want certain kinds of outcomes, we’ve automatically eliminated a set of choices about our behaviors. We fail to reach those outcomes because we think we still have choices.
Let me give you some examples:
If I want to systematically lose weight and keep it off, then I don’t have the choice to eat a whole bag of potato chips instead of an apple.
If a professional football player wants to play every game in the season, then he must do the appropriate stretching, warmups before practice, and an ice bath after practice. He’ll have to get to the training facility early enough to get started, which means he must get up early, which means that he can’t stay out late partying because he needs 8 hours of sleep.
If you dream of building and selling a business for $$$, then you’ll need to be in a growth business with sustainable competitive position, even if you’d rather be in a different business domain.
If you want to be a great parent, you’ll need to do the hidden work that great parents do to learn and grow with their children. You can’t behave as if limited quality time makes up for quantity of time.
If you want to master anything, you don’t have the choice to do everything else. You pay the price for mastery.
I suggest you consider where you might be falling for the illusion of choice in areas where you are failing to reach an objective. This illusion is a powerful temptation.
A few things learned the hard way from managing through crises bigger and smaller: